The Rules of the Game, by Neil Strauss

The Rules of the Game, by Neil Strauss

"I didn't want to write this book. In fact, I am as embarrassed to be writing it as you may be to pick it up. But we are embarrassed for different reasons. I'm embarrassed because I'm being paid a wad of cash to write garbage on how to pick up women. You are embarrassed because you are so desperate you have bought it.

Believe it or not, I was once like you. I was bald, puny, short, humourless, stupid and needy, and for many years I couldn't persuade any woman to go on a date with me. But then I had a revelation; by pretending to be interesting and attractive, I could become a babe magnet. Since then I've had women queueing at my door. Even lesbians find me irresistible. And if you follow my simple 30-day "Stylelife" challenge, you too can have more sex than you can shake your stick at.

Day 8 Now that you've had a shower, bought some clothes that hide your excessive sweating and practised talking to shop mannequins without staring at their breasts, it's time to try out your skills on a real live woman. Your goal today is to say "hello" to five different women without getting arrested.

Day 17 When you go out today to experiment with your new persona, remember, there is no such thing as rejection. Only feedback. In your case, almost certainly negative feedback. Bear in mind that women are very shallow and are only attracted to status. So rather than telling them you're unemployed, it's much better to pretend that you are a Premiership footballer. It is also good to practise using a disqualifier. It's a great way of lowering the guard of women who are constantly being hit on by morons like you. Try something like, "I expect you want to bonk my brains out, but you can't as tonight I'm shagging Angelina Jolie."

Day 24 Now that you have lied your way to getting a woman's telephone number, you need to set yourself apart from all the other tossers who have read this book and are using the same pick-up lines. So now you need to differentiate yourself a little more by establishing some kind of empathic rapport through your compelling conversation. This is not quite as difficult for sociopaths as it might sound. All you need is to read a copy of Cosmopolitan and ask feminine questions, such as, "When are you next having your moustache waxed?"

Day 30 This is it. The big day. The day you get laid. Look at yourself in the mirror and repeat 50 times, "I am a sex god," before meeting the woman you have conned or bullied into a date. Now get her as pissed as possible, but be prepared to reframe the situation when she tells you to "get your hands off me, you filthy perv". What this actually means is that she wants you to snog her and tell her you love her. Once you've done this, you are free to grab her arse again.

Umm. That's about it. Except I'm contracted to write another 20,000 words so the publisher has suggested I come up with 11 arbitrary pick-up rules with pretentious names, such as "Whatever is in the way is the way" and "No man wins the game alone" but which are basically an excuse for me to tell you some of my shagging stories. So there was this 60-year-old woman with a colostomy bag. She was really grateful. Then there was the time I had a threesome with two sisters, straight after a foursome with three well-stacked babes in Las Vegas. And then there was the time I told every woman I wasn't going to have sex for 30 days and had my clothes torn off everywhere I went. At least, that's what it said in the porn mag.

The digested read, digested: In your wet dreams, loser." (John Crace, 11. Dezember 2007, The Guardian)