Approach anxiety (AA)

From Fleffers, Bremen:


Betreff: Re: in need of perpetual motion

> Hey Mafu, I would also like to emulate the momentum.
> I was hanging out with the japaneasies and chineasy. I
> shouldn't of agreed to go with them. A pretty wasted
> day with golden oppotunities not taken. Real big
> mistake. Indecision is the worst thing i get. There
> are like 6 chicks from austin i really want to get my
> hands on and that was my focus. But last night, i had
> the oppotunity of getting close to the 7; i had helped
> in assembling her bed extension. Offered me vodka,
> asked me where i was going and at one point sat in
> range. Why the fuck didn't i go in strong? I'm still
> trying to figure it out. Sure, i wanted putan from my
> next door neighbour and another girl down my block and
> than there is a half-caste italian girl; but why
> didn;t i go in with jessica Keady. It makes no sense
> and i hope i get in range tonight. She is like the 5 i
> was talking about but she is a seven. But seriously
> you really don't want friends to be with you who
> aren't there to open because you just get complacent
> and hang back. You have to be on edge a little and you
> have to go in strong again and again. I saw the prized
> and unclaimed jessica sullivan; even her CB is hot,
> the japanesy's were opened by a 6 and later a mixed
> set and eric the japaneasy had the 6 on the ropes and
> failed to pull the trigger even though he wanted her.
> I saw alot of good looking putan from austin and i
> never pulled the trigger. Fuck tonight, i just won't
> give a fuck and go in strong, i got to keep up the
> momentum and stay away from guys who don't have balls.
> No drinks only opening!

Meine Antwort - auch die theoretische Ausformung des "who cares?" paradigms:

Ahh, the twisted and bitter joys of approach anxiety!

I dealt with that in an earlier mail; the reason can be gleaned from evolutionary psychology.

Nowadys, I do the following:

I know on my way to the venue that I will open, and I will get rejected - numerous times. Makes me shit scared! But also, I will get where I want and what I want. You cannot have the one without the other; it's like learning to speak a foreign language. You make lots of mistakes - a million times and over and over, but you also get there. If you try and eliminate all mistakes you can only do that by shutting up, which eliminates your chance of progress as well.
It's like immediate forfeiture.

But, while everybody else thinks it's himself deciding to stay inert, wait, stall and they ususally cannot break out of it, WE know the truth.

Thus, I know my AA is going to crank up and I accept it; actually embrace it. It's that little voice in your head that tells you to wait and stall and do nothing (and there'S always a good reason to just wait .... a little longer .... until ..... or skip this target and do the next set, because NOW is bad and THEN is perfect, because ....)

I saw you do this a million times.
I certainly did it for YEARS.

The little voice, of course, is our dearest friend (evolutionary speaking), as it also CRIPPLES 95% of the competition, because everybody has it. (Everybody normal, that is).

Most guys rely on luck or an opening by the girl or having prolonged proximity, legitimacy (that's why so many married couple meet on the job).

Bottomline is: AA cannot be avoided; it needs to be TRANSCENDED. Feel it; know it for what it is (i.e. Mother Nature trying to keep you alive, back in the stone age!!), then, WILL your approach; you have committed yourself and you just OPEN.

The worst (verbal) blow-off I ve gotten so far was still incomparatively easier to take than only one HB8+ I thought I had chosen to not approach. Of course, in reality, I had just allowed to have my AA-autopilot take control of the helm and steer my mortal body away from a potentially heavily defended (sexual) resource, which nowadays isnt really defended with lethal force.

A word on friends and stuff: I 've even hesitated to approach in front of people I had met in hostels and clubs like 30mins earlier and didnt even know their names. Almost happened yesterday - it's just a variant of AA, a 'losing face with peer group'-counterargument to approaching.

How important will these people be for you in 1 month, in 6 months, in 1 year? How important will your approaching skills be for you in 1 month, in 6 months, in 1 year, IN 10 YEARS?

Again, this needs to be transcended!
Get off the booze and take the pain (knowing that it cannot hurt you, the only power it has is only an imagined one).

How badly do you feel about Amanda T rejecting you months ago? Do you NOW feel pained by the poor result, or proud because of your guts? You surely seemed very happy only seconds after it was over with the (very polite - and thats the normal case) 'rejection' still fresh in your mind.
Why did it take u so long to approach her, anyway, if the pain only lasts seconds and isnt substantial in the first place? Why so afraid?

It's good for your state and talkativeness to hang with people, but don't take their opinions of you seriously if they judge you for approaching. These people are cowards and they know it. Plus, nobody gives a shit about anyone but themselves (or very close ones) anyway. I had seen people die in my class - life goes on man, out of sight, out of mind!

I returned to Germany a transformed person and told people what we ve been doing or trying to do. These r people who know me as an academic guy, not very popular in school and stuff, very much nerd.


In conclusion, (read this b4 u go out tonite or take it with you to the venue).

AA cannot be eliminated! (only dulled with booze or drugs and it does more harm than good.Period.)
Know your AA; appreciate its outdated and counterproductive properties.
Know then your mission and goals.
Now, DECIDE and COMMIT to transcend your AA - you still feel it, but ASSERT your choice to OPEN despite of it.
The last part takes more guts than 95% or so of all guys can muster - thus, it separates HEROIC MEN from COWARD FOOLS!

Every time you fail in overcoming AA, it tends to be reeinforced; everytime you succeed in overcoming AA, it tends to be diminished(, maybe, finally,eventually exhausted??)

It takes HUNDREDS of approaches to wear down AA to a level where you can comfortably approach HB10s. When will you start? Or will you just in the long run ... well, DIE, having never tasted white antelope?

Inertia is stasis, is death

The choice to always approach (some restrictions apply,e.g. Tim Allen, cf earlier mails) is actually a no-brainer!

regards,

fleffers
aka Mafu